Its not a bad news post but a good news post.
Since I started this journey, I kept the ending open. I did not set an end goal of SRS but I did think living as a woman 24/7 was a reasonable ending point. But all along the way, starting with losing weight in 2010./2011, I felt that I would at least pause my transition when I reach a point of happiness.
I have reached that point.
I feel as happy and fulfilled as I have ever felt. Probably since my 20's. Every morning I get up and look in the mirror and I love what I see. I am very happy with my physical body (except diabetes and glaucoma) Mentally, I am in a place, I have never been before.
To help explain this, I am going to quickly recap.
I started crossdressing around 8 years old (1964). After some aversion therapy, I buried it until I was 23. Since 23, I have been battling gender dysphoria which gets stronger as the years go by. Finally in Feb 2010, I decided at 54 that I was not getting younger and I needed to transition now or never.
I always had a long-term plan for this transition;
- Loss weight: from Feb 2010 - Sept 2011 I dropped from a size 18/20 to 8/10 - 230+ lbs to 160 lbs
- Hair Removal: from Dec 2012 - March 2016, I spend 2 years at E3000 in Dallas and Southside Electrology in East Point Ga.
- Feel comfortable in public: late 2014 - early 2016 - Femboy period
- HRT: Starting in June 2016
- Living Full Time: Planned 2017
I can not explain it, but my mind feels clear and upbeat. I get compliments all day from people about my look and attitude. Just like in my early 20's, I see my future vision ahead of me as I set new goals for these golden years.
My Dad has been gone for 11 years, he should would be surprised that I am buying male clothes that match and that I now take an interest in it. I use to rebel against shopping for male clothes. So I had a "do not care" attitude about wearing them and how I looked. I wanted pretty dresses.
When I went shopping with my daughter earlier this month, I really did not feel like it. We had fun but it was more of a chore that it use to be. There was no fun or excitement this time. I did it because she wanted to.
I am not stopping HRT. I am going to my Doctor in the next 2 weeks and discuss this with him. I need a maintenance regime because I do not want to lose what I have. But at this point, I find being me on, Jan 25, 2017 a perfect time to pause.
BTW, I am not stopping this blog. It will keep going because this is just a train stop in the overall journey, not the end.
Thank you for this posting. I am about 2 months behind you in my HRT journey. I love everything about the changes that have taken place. I am not seen all the changes I would like to see, so I plan to carry on for the next little while. I am writing to thank you because the idea of pausing is so great. I think so often we view transition as a zero sum game-go all the way, or don't start-that we lose sight of the fact that the point of the journey is to find happiness. I think I will reach that point soon, and have spent a lot of time trying to figure what comes next. You have helped me to figure this out. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI think you are correct, the point is finding happiness and not some hard physical goal based on the community "norms". Such as....You must live 24/7 as a woman or you must have SRS.
ReplyDeleteI must confess that as a regular reader and occasional commentator, I didn't see this coming. I am surprised, but certainly without even a hint of criticism. I will be curious what your medical professional will make of your pause. I wish you well with your decision and course correction.
ReplyDeleteI am not stopping my transition. Just pausing. I will still be on HRT but will probably ask my Dr. to adjust my meds. I am at a really nice place mentally and physically. But become full-time seems foraced at this point.
ReplyDeleteI deleted Michelle Hart comment in error. I used a backup copy that I keep i my email. Sorry Michele ...............
ReplyDeleteThere are a few of us that found that just being able to start HRT helped us to become happy with ourselves. You are right that the need to go 24/7 or have the surgeries is more of a "norm" that others see as a end to the means. Hormones not only help us see ourselves for who we are but also allow our minds to become comfortable with any changes we see.
No problem Susan. Glad to see that you felt my comment was worth posting. I have a feeling that there are a few of us out in the world that have paused the "process" because we have become comfortable with who we are.
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