Wednesday May 27, 2015 - Some days are tough

Sometimes this journey stuff is difficult. Tuesday is usually my Femboy day with an electrology session, shopping and/or errands to run. But I had to be in boy mode all day for meetings and work related activities.

I exercised late last night to release some of the stress and pressure I felt throughout the day.

I wanted to express my femininity all day. As I passed women and judged their outfits, I thought about what I would wear or how I looked in a certain outfit. Sometimes I would think about how I would have changed an outfit to better reflect my feelings and personality.

I accomplished alot of things yesterday. But I want to do it as a women. The stress comes in when I have developed a plan (my journey), but the plan does not match my feelings.

This mismatch causes me stress. I understand why some people just go for it and transition. However, I still have obligations that I feel I need to complete, while at the same time easing family and friends into the new reality of Susan.

I still have work to do in the area of voice, makeup and hair. As a matter of fact, I am planning on a day at the beauty shop, this week, to play around with some wig styles and maintenance.

For me having my feet firmly planted in both sides of the closet is becoming more difficult and stressful.

I have this thing about planning and wanting everything to go just right in the order I planned. But of course that seldom works and part of the fun is making those adjustments to the plan. In this case, the mismatch is not always fun.

But I am going to stay with it and work hard to get there. I was reading Stana's blog post and over the years I have read and seen how she has grown. I am so proud of her and she is one of my inspirations. Sometime, I go into her past posts and I can see her growth and I hope it will happen for me.

I know that this journey is needed to help me grow, but it sure seems like time is moving so slow.