Wednesday June 22, 2016 - I feel different

Its hard to explain but I feel smaller, vulnerable and less safe.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been an outgoing adventurous male. As a pre-teen, I use to go bike riding looking for adventure. I would ride around and try and get lost, so I could find my way back.

I have always been an aggressive driver. Growing up in NJ, my friends and I use to take spots on the road. We would rarely yield. In Atlanta, I thought most driver were weak because many of them were nice and  easy to take advantage of.

As a young adult, I would go out and felt I did not need to explain where I was going. I would only tell people I thought should know (Girlfriend/Wife) but most people did not need to know.

In public I was not afraid of any place or anyone. I figured I could talk may way out of any situation or escape. Part of my lack of fear was my positive and strong projection. If I do not project fear or weakness, then I am less likely to be attacked. Plus I am from NJ, so I have that attitude.

When out as a femboy or Susan, I had to try and work on keeping that strong male projection inside.

Now over the past couple of days, that has changed.

I feel physically smaller. My clothes say I am the same size but when I look in the mirror or I am out, I feel like I take up less space.When I sit, instead of spreading out, I want to pull myself inward and take up less space. I want to be less not more.

When out, I text people to let them know where I am. My daughter asked me why I am doing this and I told her I wanted someone to know where I was and what I was doing.

When out in public, I feel more vulnerable. So I automatically think of safety first, where I park, where I go and time of the day.

I find males scarier and more threatening. I was buying a hamburger at McDonald's yesterday and there were three large men with leather jackets and I hesitated when I saw them. I decided to go to the restroom while they ordered. Not that I was scared they would harm me, I just felt unsafe.

As a black male, when you are out and make eye contact with another black male, you slightly nod your head in acknowledgement of each others existence and connection. So when out as Susan, I had to conscientiously work on stopping that instinct to nod.

Over the last few days, I have naturally stopped making eye contact.

I believe these are early mental changes from the HRT. I never felt or acted this way before. These are the changes that over time make you naturally for female and easier to "pass".

I feel different.