Saturday December 19, 2015 - Important Random thoughts.- I have always been female.

November and December are critical months for my weight. I usually start in late October by adding to my exercise routine so I can eat all I want on Thanksgiving and Christmas. This year, I have been doing well on the exercise side, but my eating habits are out of control. I started my poor eating after Thanksgiving and my Mother's repass did not help.

I ate more cake and pie, mac and cheese and meat than I normally would. The exercising is keeping my weight down. But its the portion control, I have lost.

I noticed that I have no problems with eating while in Femboy or Susan mode. Its just when in boy mode, I have this nervous eating.and I am constantly eating. Yesterday when I was out to get my pedicure, I was not hungry. But as soon as I got into boy mode, I could not stop eating.

I stated in a previous post that I am ready to transition now. But I have realized that transition is not the correct word. I have always been a girl crossdressing as a boy. I need to change my language. But I am not sure how. Let me see if I can explain.

To me transition always meant moving from boy to girl. But now I know I have always been a girl. I just kept her is jail. I have let her out and now I realized she is me.

I am so sorry I did that to myself. The boy is the facade and needs to be put away. Its taking off the mask. Its becoming that beautiful butterfly.

Once I passed a certain mental state of comfort about my female presentation, I realized that I found myself. I was always the girl/woman who was living as a man because of my biology and society. I was not strong enough to fight society in the early 1970's. Especially with what I saw my cousin go through.

I am so natural as a woman, that crossdressing as a boy is now bothering me. I do not want to do it and its causing me to eat as a way to comfort myself.

I never wanted a belly ring until late this summer and now I am looking at a butterfly tattoo that will represent my changed state into the beautiful woman I am. I am that woman that wants the ring and a tattoo.

Months ago, I stated in a post that I can smell things (like men with bad odors) that I never smelled before. I connect with women in public more than men.

When I exercise, I sometimes catch me looking over at me. It's reaffirming.

The meeting on Thursday, I connected to the woman as possible associates and not sex objects. I noticed one of the men at the meeting as a type I would date. It was not a sexual impulse but a realization of the type I like.

Its as though I have been on HRT and my mind and body are reaching normalcy. I am embracing my natural state.

So I am not transitioning into a woman, I am and always have been a woman.