Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Wednesday January 25, 2017 - Pausing my Transition.

This is my 910th post and its the toughest one I had to write. I have been thinking about this for just over a month and a half.

Its not a bad news post but a good news post.

Since I started this journey, I kept the ending open. I did not set an end goal of SRS but I did think living as a woman 24/7 was a reasonable ending point. But all along the way, starting with losing weight in 2010./2011, I felt that I would at least pause my transition when I reach a point of happiness.

I have reached that point.

I feel as happy and fulfilled as I have ever felt. Probably since my 20's. Every morning I get up and look in the mirror and I love what I see. I am very happy with my physical body (except diabetes and glaucoma) Mentally, I am in a place, I have never been before.

To help explain this, I am going to quickly recap.

I started crossdressing around 8 years old (1964). After some aversion therapy, I buried it until I was 23. Since 23, I have been battling gender dysphoria which gets stronger as the years go by. Finally in Feb 2010, I decided at 54 that I was not getting younger and I needed to transition now or never.

I always had a long-term plan for this transition;

  1. Loss weight: from Feb 2010 - Sept 2011 I dropped from a size 18/20 to 8/10 - 230+ lbs to 160  lbs
  2. Hair Removal: from Dec 2012 - March 2016, I spend 2 years at E3000 in Dallas and Southside Electrology in East Point Ga.
  3. Feel comfortable in public: late 2014 - early 2016 - Femboy period
  4. HRT: Starting in June 2016
  5. Living Full Time: Planned 2017
The reason I say that I have never been this happy before, is because my gender dysphoria is gone. I no longer have any interest in wearing woman's clothes, wearing makeup, shaving what little body hair I have, shopping for woman clothes, getting a pedicure or even doing my daily body moisturizing routine.

I can not explain it, but my mind feels clear and upbeat. I get compliments all day from people about my look and attitude. Just like in my early 20's, I see my future vision ahead of me as I set new goals for these golden years.

My Dad has been gone for 11 years, he should would be surprised that I am buying male clothes that match and that I now take an interest in it. I use to rebel against shopping for male clothes. So I had a "do not care" attitude about wearing them and how I looked. I wanted pretty dresses.

When I went shopping with my daughter earlier this month, I really did not feel like it. We had fun but it was more of a chore that it use to be. There was no fun or excitement this time. I did it because she wanted to.

I am not stopping HRT. I am going to my Doctor in the next 2 weeks and discuss this with him. I need a maintenance regime because I do not want to lose what I have. But at this point, I find being me on, Jan 25, 2017 a perfect time to pause.

BTW, I am not stopping this blog. It will keep going because this is just a train stop in the overall journey, not the end.

6 comments:

  1. Thank you for this posting. I am about 2 months behind you in my HRT journey. I love everything about the changes that have taken place. I am not seen all the changes I would like to see, so I plan to carry on for the next little while. I am writing to thank you because the idea of pausing is so great. I think so often we view transition as a zero sum game-go all the way, or don't start-that we lose sight of the fact that the point of the journey is to find happiness. I think I will reach that point soon, and have spent a lot of time trying to figure what comes next. You have helped me to figure this out. Thank you!

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  2. I think you are correct, the point is finding happiness and not some hard physical goal based on the community "norms". Such as....You must live 24/7 as a woman or you must have SRS.

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  3. I must confess that as a regular reader and occasional commentator, I didn't see this coming. I am surprised, but certainly without even a hint of criticism. I will be curious what your medical professional will make of your pause. I wish you well with your decision and course correction.

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  4. I am not stopping my transition. Just pausing. I will still be on HRT but will probably ask my Dr. to adjust my meds. I am at a really nice place mentally and physically. But become full-time seems foraced at this point.

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  5. I deleted Michelle Hart comment in error. I used a backup copy that I keep i my email. Sorry Michele ...............

    There are a few of us that found that just being able to start HRT helped us to become happy with ourselves. You are right that the need to go 24/7 or have the surgeries is more of a "norm" that others see as a end to the means. Hormones not only help us see ourselves for who we are but also allow our minds to become comfortable with any changes we see.

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  6. No problem Susan. Glad to see that you felt my comment was worth posting. I have a feeling that there are a few of us out in the world that have paused the "process" because we have become comfortable with who we are.

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