Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Tuesday December 30, 2014 - Remove the chains

I remember crossdressing at 8 years old. We moved into a new house and I was trying on my mother's clothes. I do not remember trying on her clothes while living in the apartment. I can not remember what made me want to try them on.

I wore her girdles with nylon stocking and heels. At 8 years old, her shoes were too big and I use to stuff the shoes with paper. Nylons  came folded in a box. I loved sliding them on. I watched my mother, to learn how to gather each nylon stocking at the toes, put my feet in and then roll them up my legs. I use to watch the original Star Trek and Wild Wild West while dressed. I felt so at peace and comfortable.

I found out later that my mother thought my younger sister was wearing her clothes.

As I reached double digits in age, I began to outgrow my mother's clothes. So I started taking older clothes from my mother and younger ( by 1 year) sister and remaking them. I use to watch baseball games on TV and adjust the older clothes.

Then my stash was discovered. I had my shoes, bras, girdles and nylons. I use to wear them to bed. My dad talked to me about it first, saying that sometimes its a phase boys go thru. But then at 14, I was sent to a Psychiatrist who tried to make me hate wearing women's clothes. All he did was tighten the chains in my closet.

I did not try on women's clothes for the rest of High School and College. However, it did come back in Graduate School.

During the 1980's, 1990's and 2000's, I peaked my head out of the closet but could not remove those chains.

In the 1990's, I told my parents that the therapy did not work. My mother accepted it while my father ignored it. I can not remember the exact year, but one day my mother and I went shopping and out to lunch as mother and daughter. It was one of the best days of my life.

Fifty years later I am finally getting out. I realized that those chains were all in my head. It reminded me of the elephant story:

As a man was passing the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.

He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. “Well,” trainer said, “when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.”
My generation of transgender people are still being held in the closet by mental chains. But you can break those chains and come into a more accepting community. You can educate others and explore a fantastic life that awaits you.

It's not easy at first. I am still being tugged by those chains. But everytime I go out, the chains weaken.

I can tell, it will not be long before I go from Femboy

to Women

Or somewhere in between

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