Saturday, December 19, 2015

Saturday December 19, 2015 - Important Random thoughts.- I have always been female.

November and December are critical months for my weight. I usually start in late October by adding to my exercise routine so I can eat all I want on Thanksgiving and Christmas. This year, I have been doing well on the exercise side, but my eating habits are out of control. I started my poor eating after Thanksgiving and my Mother's repass did not help.

I ate more cake and pie, mac and cheese and meat than I normally would. The exercising is keeping my weight down. But its the portion control, I have lost.

I noticed that I have no problems with eating while in Femboy or Susan mode. Its just when in boy mode, I have this nervous eating.and I am constantly eating. Yesterday when I was out to get my pedicure, I was not hungry. But as soon as I got into boy mode, I could not stop eating.

I stated in a previous post that I am ready to transition now. But I have realized that transition is not the correct word. I have always been a girl crossdressing as a boy. I need to change my language. But I am not sure how. Let me see if I can explain.

To me transition always meant moving from boy to girl. But now I know I have always been a girl. I just kept her is jail. I have let her out and now I realized she is me.

I am so sorry I did that to myself. The boy is the facade and needs to be put away. Its taking off the mask. Its becoming that beautiful butterfly.

Once I passed a certain mental state of comfort about my female presentation, I realized that I found myself. I was always the girl/woman who was living as a man because of my biology and society. I was not strong enough to fight society in the early 1970's. Especially with what I saw my cousin go through.

I am so natural as a woman, that crossdressing as a boy is now bothering me. I do not want to do it and its causing me to eat as a way to comfort myself.

I never wanted a belly ring until late this summer and now I am looking at a butterfly tattoo that will represent my changed state into the beautiful woman I am. I am that woman that wants the ring and a tattoo.

Months ago, I stated in a post that I can smell things (like men with bad odors) that I never smelled before. I connect with women in public more than men.

When I exercise, I sometimes catch me looking over at me. It's reaffirming.

The meeting on Thursday, I connected to the woman as possible associates and not sex objects. I noticed one of the men at the meeting as a type I would date. It was not a sexual impulse but a realization of the type I like.

Its as though I have been on HRT and my mind and body are reaching normalcy. I am embracing my natural state.

So I am not transitioning into a woman, I am and always have been a woman.

1 comment:

  1. I think we use the word transition more for the benefit of non-gender gifted people than ourselves. We explain to friends/family that soon our male name will no longer exist and we want them to transition over to using our correct name and pronouns. They will also have to adjust to us as we begin RLE and dress full time as female. Some will be able to accept this social transition, some will not. The same with HRT, and surgery. Rather than try to explain in minute detail all of the things going on, we simply use medical transition to explain how our bodies are changing.

    So while we know all we are doing is matching our body to our mind, our friends, family and society do see it as a transition.

    Until we come up with something better, I guess it's a word we are stuck with.