Saturday, July 18, 2015

Saturday July 18, 2015 - Feeling dysphoric today

I am feeling dysphoric today. I am sad and uneasy. I think its because the last few days have been so special with my youngest daughter. The makeup and clothes session and the shopping.

Yesterday, she went out of town. She will be back Monday but she is headed for Los Angles to seek fortune and fame. At 24 with her TV experience, young age, limited bills and no children or husband, I told that now is the time. She always talked about moving to L.A.. Now is when you can effect your future's past. You do not want to be 30 years old married and then regret that you did not try.

She has a new car paid for (graduation gift) and I still pay her cellphone bill, car insurance and health insurance until March 2016, when she turns 25. I did this with all three of my daughters, to give them a chance to set a financial base thru savings. I preach that its education and savings (frugal) that are important in this society.

However, I am nervous about my daughter driving to L.A., even with her friend. Driving through Texas worries me. Given what has happened to Sandra Bland. I need to find a solution.

But today I need a solution to help me feel better. It's just one of those days. I am going to exercise later today, which will help. But I think I need to get out of the house. It was so different to be in Femboy mode with company (my daughter) than when I am alone.

Being with someone who accepts your gender fluid presentation took my mind off of my outfit and appearance and into general discussions of life. It was the closet feeling of being complete both inside and outside that I have felt. Back in the 1990's when I went out with friends as Susan, I was not comfortable enough in public. So I has those mental chains pulling me back.

In 2015, its different and I enjoy it. But it means more of these dysphoric days. I wonder if even after going full-time, will I have these days?

So, I am not going to let this feeling keep me down. I am going to get up and go to the gym and maybe visit my brother.

I will wear something pretty today.

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