Thursday December 31, 2015 - Resources

Here is a very nice set of transgender resource links. I have added this to the above menu, so you can check back for updated links.

http://michellethediva.tumblr.com/post/108509733916/astrocomposer-ive-compiled-this-list-of

Wednesday December 30, 2015 - A diet/exercise routine for MTF transition

If you are a frequent reader of my blog, you know I work on keeping my weight down, so that I have a more feminine figure.

I do this with both diet and exercise. However, I have been worried about how to control my figure, once I begin HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy).

The following is the best explanation and analysis, I have read of how to use diet and exercise to sculpture a more feminine figure during transition.

It took me 18 months to lose the weight. My goal was not to lose a certain amount of weight but to reduce my waistline, get healthy and fit into an old pair of female jeans. Those jeans some how made thru two female clothes purges.

My waist started at 45" inches and ended up at 28". It is now, 7 years later and my waist is about 35". I do not weigh myself. I have no scale. As long as my clothes fit and I can still wear a size 10, I am ok.

 I would like to stay at 32" because a  28" waist made me look too small with a big head. I looked like a cartoon character. Lol

This not a diet but a lifestyle change.

Workout/Diet/Caloric Intake/Macronutrient Ratio

Workout Routine:
Let's see 6 sets of squats 155lbs 5 sets leg press 300lbs 4 sets lunges with dumbbells 15 minutes stairmaster 4 sets leg curls 4 sets leg extensions 4 sets kickbacks for glutes 4 sets adductor 4 sets abductor 30 minutes incline speed walk 30 minutes jogging

I also neglected all upper body weights to let my upper body atrophy.

---

Diet:

I eat only certain types of foods.

Protein: chicken breast, Turkey breast and protein shake

Carbs: oatmeal, brown rice, whole wheat bread, whole wheat pasta, black beans, apples, oranges, grapefruit, strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, honey for sweetener, broccoli, spinach, black olives, onions, garlic, salads with extra Virginia olive oil and vinegar.

Fats: peanut butter all natural, almonds, extra Virginia olive oil, avocados

What not to eat: no processed sugars, no stevia or artifical sweeteners, soda, candy, salad dressings they are absolutely horrible, maple syrup, white bread or pasta, bagels, donuts, no chips at all even the healthy ones avoid them, cookies, nutrition grain or protein or health bars they are absolutely terrible and high in sugar no granola bars either.

Basically if it's processed avoid it like the plague.

---

Daily Caloric Intake and Macronutrient Ratio:

Body Weight: 150    Body Fat%: 21

Body Fat Weight: 

Body Weight minus total body mass= 150 x .21(two decimal place to left)=31.5 lbs

Lean Body Mass: 

Body Weight minus Body Fat Weight= 150 -31.5 = 118.5 lbs

Basal Metabolic Rate(BMR): 

Lean Mass times 10= 118.5 x 10 = 1185 calories per day- the bare minimum required to maintain life

Activity Level Value Activity Level Description:

1.2 Sedentary Little to no exercise
1.375 Light 1-3 days per week
1.55 Moderate 3-5 days per week
1.725 Active 6-7 days per week
1.9 Active Intense job and exercise

Total Calorie Intake Formula: 

BMR x Activity Level + BMR = Total Calorie Intake per day to maintain weight 1185 x .5 + 1185 = 1777.5 Calories to Maintain My Weight 

To lose 1 lb = 3500 calories need to be lost 

So, in general, if you cut 500 calories from your typical diet each day, you'd lose about 1 pound a week (500 calories x 7 days = 3,500 calories).

1777.5 - 500= 1277.5 Calories to lose 1lb per week.

1777.5 + 500= 2277.5 Calories to gain 1lb per week.

I would recommend that if you are trying to lose weight, it’s best to ‘lose’ the calories through exercise than cutting your nutrition.

An hour on an upright cycle, or 40 minutes of intense weight training will easily burn 500 calories, and yet your body will still have received the necessary amount of calories to function optimally.

---

Macro Nutrient Ratios: Protein/Carbs/Fats:

1) FTM Muscle Gain: 40% 45% 15%

2) Fat Loss: 48% 32% 20%

3) MTF Muscle Loss, Fat Gain (Good Fat): 15% 65% 20%

For MTF

Continue 3) until you reach your goals, then switch to 2) for a healthier ratio overall this is enough protein to keep your body functioning while your muscles atrophy.

More Calculations about 3).

1 Gram of Fat= 9 calories

1 Gram of Protein= 4 calories

1 Gram of Carbs= 4 calories

Based on 1,777.5 daily caloric intake

Protein intake - .15 *1,777.5 = 266.6 Calories of Protein/4 calories = 66 grams per day
Carbs intake - .65 * 1,777.5 = 1,154 Calories of Carbs/4 Calories = 288.51 grams per day
Fat  intake - .20 * 1,777.5 = 355.5 Calories of Fat/9 calories = 39.5 grams per day

Tuesday December 29, 2015 - Protect yourself

During the first 50+ years of my life, I cared little about my safety. I grew up in New Jersey and considered myself tough enough to handle most situations. In High School and college, I kept a baseball bat in my car trunk and a 24 inch metal pipe wedged between the driver's seat and the console. The pipe was for close quarters fighting and the bat was for all out war. I use to joke that if you let me get to my trunk, its over. Just call me Bat-man.

Actually, I did not fight much, I usually could talk my way out of fights But I was prepared..

Since going out alone as a Femboy or as Susan, I have become much more fearful and conscious of my surroundings. Safety is much more important to me.

I am always aware of my surroundings and park in well lite areas with high traffic.

The following article was written in 2013 and posted on Roogirl. . It's a very good article about female self defense. I recommend you take a few minutes to review. It may save your life.

14 Self-Defense Tips Every Woman Should Know

Women need to make self-protection a greater priority. According to statistics every two minutes a woman in America is raped, and one out of four women will be the victim of a violent crime. Having the delusion that it can’t happen to you or that it’s something that only happens to other people is the kind of attitude predators depend on. The more informed you are, the better prepared you will be in the event you are targeted by a predator. By empowering yourself with knowledge, your fear will not escalate, it will diminish. Follow these tips to keep yourself from becoming a statistic:

1. Mentally Prepare Yourself

Preparing for a violent attack is no different than preparing for any other emergency and denial can cost you your life. In the book You Are Not So Smart, author David McRaney tells the story of a couple who survived a large plane crash. The husband had mentally prepared for the emergency and was therefore able to quickly take action during the few moments between the plane hitting the ground and the explosion that followed, while his wife and the rest of the passengers were frozen by fear. He grabbed his wife’s hand and ran for safety, as everyone else sat in their seats unable to process the reality of the plane crash. By simply opening himself up to the possibility of danger, the man empowered himself to take action when the “unthinkable” happened.

Do you know what you would do if you awoke to a man in your bed trying to rape you? Have you ever allowed yourself to consider the possibility or do you hide from such thoughts? Force yourself to think about what you would do if someone were attempting to rape, kidnap or rob you. By mentally preparing yourself, you will be less likely to become frozen by fear and unable to defend yourself if the “unthinkable” were to happen.

2. Have a Plan

A black belt in martial arts isn’t required for you to defend yourself against an attacker. Take a self-defense seminar, or at the very least watch some videos online. Practice the techniques you learn and use mental imagery to plan a strategy for different scenarios. By contemplating threatening situations in this way, you are training your body and mind to act from a place of power instead of weakness and paranoia.

2. Follow Your Intuition

The best weapon you have is your sixth-sense. Although every animal is born with survival instincts, humans also have the ability to add judgment and everyday experience to our base intuition. This should make us superior to animals, but our judgment can sometimes get in the way. If we can’t explain our “gut feeling” in a logical way, we tend to brush it off as paranoia. By trusting your intuition, you will be able to learn the difference between real fear and worry. If you have a sense of foreboding, don’t second guess yourself. It is better to be safe than to ignore your instincts and become the victim of a violent crime.

3. Be Aware of Your Surroundings

Don’t talk on your phone or listen to your iPod when you’re alone in a public place. Pay attention to what’s going on around you. If you think someone is following you, cross the street or step into a store. If that isn’t possible, look the person straight in the face and ask what time it is. By being unafraid, you show that you will stand up for yourself and fight back if attacked. You can also now identify this person in a line up and this makes you a less desirable target. Predators are very cunning and want to avoid as many risks as possible.

4. Don’t Look Like a Victim

Predators go through a victim selection process. They are most likely to go for a woman with a ponytail, braid or long hair that can easily be grabbed. They also look for clothing that will be easy to remove quickly, like short skirts or anything with straps that can be cut. A woman who is distracted is also an easy target. You can make yourself a harder target by controlling your accessibility, setting and circumstance. Stay in areas with more people, walking with confidence and purpose. Don’t be distracted by looking through your purse or have your hands full of bags. Sometimes just looking like someone who is not to be messed with can deter a would-be attacker.

5. Be Car Smart

Predators target parking lots and cars to plan their attacks. Have your keys in your hand before you leave the building. For extra protection hold a few of them in between your fingers to use as a weapon if needed. Wait until you are close to your car to unlock it. If you unlock it from across the lot, someone can easily hop in and hide without you noticing. Once you’re in the car, lock the doors and start driving. Sitting in your car too long gives predators the opportunity to make their move. Also, if a van is parked on the driver’s side of your car, get in on the passenger’s side. The safest option would be to never walk to your car alone. If no one is leaving when you are, ask someone to walk you to your car.

6. Predict Dangerous and Controlling Behavior

Realize that 99.9% of people have no intent of harming you; the rare few who do want to harm you will give clear signals. Most attackers don’t begin with brutal force. They begin by coaxing a woman into a secluded area and forcing her to relinquish her control. In his book The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker calls these signals Pre-Incident Indicators (P.I.N.S.).  According to the book, not only will your instincts help you avoid dangerous situations, but you can also determine someone’s intent by knowing what to look for. These are the P.I.N.S. to look for, and examples of each. In the scenario, a woman is faced with a strange man in her apartment building.

P.I.N.S.:

Forced Teaming — When someone tries to pretend he has something in common or is in the same predicament as you when it isn’t true. (“Let me help you with those bags of groceries. We don’t want that ice cream to melt.”)

Charm – Being polite and nice to manipulate someone. (“I can’t let you carry all these bags by yourself. Let me help you get them inside.”)

Too Many Details – If someone is lying they add excessive details to make them seem more credible. (“I’m going to your floor anyway. I’m meeting a friend, but I’m running late – my watch stopped working. So, we need to hurry. Come on. We have a hungry cat waiting for this cat food.”)

Typecasting – An insult to get you to talk to someone you otherwise wouldn’t. (“There is such a thing as being too proud. Now stop being silly and hand me another bag.”)

Loan Sharking – Giving unsolicited help and expecting favors in return. (“I’ve carried your groceries up four flights of stairs; just let me put them on the counter.”)

Unsolicited Promise — A promise to do (or not to do) something when no such promise was asked for; this usually means the promise will be broken. (“You can leave the door open, I’ll leave as soon as I put the bags down, I promise.”)

Discounting the word “no” — Refusing to accept rejection.

During the entire grocery bag incident the woman repeatedly told the strange man that she didn’t want his help, but he ignored every “no”. She gave him control of the situation and was raped for three hours. The full story can be found in book, The Gift of Fear. The book also emphasizes that “no” is a complete sentence and requires no further explanation.

8. Know Your Strengths & His Weakness

Your elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you get close enough, use it. If you end up on the ground, use your legs to kick free from your attacker. Go for his four weakest points: eyes, throat, groin and knees. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch your attacker under the arm, in between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh… HARD. You can literally pull the muscle away from the bone in these areas. If you are forced to comply before you can fight, grab his balls, then PULL, TWIST, YANK. He will be unable to rape you after being castrated.

9. You Have the Right to Fight

Don’t be afraid to fight if you feel threatened in any way. A decent man won’t approach a woman in a place that she would feel vulnerable, especially after she yells for him to stop. Statistics show that women who don’t resist are more likely to be assaulted and sustain more serious injuries than women who fight back. When under attack, adopt the Cobra Kai code “Strike first! Strike hard! Strike fast! No mercy!” Don’t wait for things to escalate. Your goal is not to stay and fight; it is to break away from your attacker so you can run for help.

11. Don’t Be Relocated

Do whatever you have to do to prevent getting taken to a second location. Predators need to get you away from people and to a location where they are less likely to get caught. Even if someone has a gun pointed at you, there is still a chance to get away. He isn’t going to shoot you with several witnesses around. His plan is to have a quiet, uninterrupted assault, not to go to jail. If he points a gun at you from a distance, run in a zigzag pattern. In the unlikely event that he does shoot, the chances of him hitting you are slim, and the chances of him hitting a vital organ are even less likely. Although you run the risk of injury, if you are taken to a second location, you are guaranteed injury or even death.

12. Stay Alert on Vacation

People on vacation are prime targets for predators, especially women travelling alone. Use valet parking if it’s available. The extra cost is well-worth your safety. Keep your hotel room locked with the deadbolt and chain when you are inside, and never let anyone in your room that you don’t know. If someone says they work for the hotel, call the front desk to confirm. Never leave an extra room key lying around for someone to grab when the maid isn’t looking. Also, never let anyone know that you are travelling alone. When you check in, ask for two keys and mention that your husband or boyfriend will be joining you soon. You never know who may be listening to your conversation.

13. Be Safe at Home

We all want to feel safe when we are at home. By being vigilant about preventing a violent crime from happening, your home will continue to be your safe haven. Take a few precautions, such as, keeping doors locked, even during the day. The one door most people forget is the door leading to the garage. If you forget to lock or close your garage, someone has open access to your home. Another deterrent is noise. Predators will avoid homes with alarm systems or dogs. If you don’t have a home alarm, keep your car remote beside your bed. If you hear someone breaking in, push the panic button to set off your car alarm.

14. Prevent Date Rape

Most women are assaulted by someone they know and 40 percent of the time the crime will happen in the victims own home. Predators rely on women’s weakness to allow good manners to override their survival instincts. Most women are likely to watch out for drugs being slipped into their drinks, and know to not be alone with someone they just met. However, the lines can get fuzzy when things become intimate. Do not be afraid to say “no” or stop at any point during an intimate encounter. You don’t need a reason. “No” is a complete sentence, and the man should stop immediately upon hearing it. If he doesn’t stop, he has crossed the line into sexual assault. If he has no ill-intent toward you, and the assault is more about him having no impulse control, you may be able to stop the assault by saying, “Don’t rape me”. Hearing the word “rape” may verbally shake him into reality. If, however, he continues, you must treat him as if he were a stranger on the street and fight with everything you have — because at that point, there is no possibility of it being a “misunderstanding”.

Facing the possibility of being the target of a violent crime is frightening, but there’s no need for women to live a paranoid-filled life. Although you can’t control every situation, you can make smarter decisions, like avoiding unnecessary risks. Learn to trust your intuition and how to defend yourself. Make the phrase “I hit like girl” strike fear into every would-be rapist out there.

Hopefully, you found this as helpful as I did.. 

Monday December 28, 2015 - Your Female Silhouette

I am constantly working on my female silhouette. The silhouette is your outline shape. As a transwomen, testosterone has given me into a male silhouette. But with exercise, diet, posture and clothing, I can move back toward my natural female silhouette.

The picture on the left is an outfit for an inverted triangle silhouette. I am attempting to balance my body by de-emphasizing my shoulders with a dorman sleeve long top and skinny jeans that highlight my long legs. The top goes past my hips to elongate my body and cover my narrow hips.


Below is an infographic showing the various female silhouettes. I am an inverted triangle with wider shoulders than hips.

My diet (which has been poor the last two months) and exercise keep me thin. But that darn testosterone created these broad shoulders. Hopefully, these shoulders will become less prominent as HRT will help reduce my muscle mass. 

Being an inverted triangle is not a bad shape. These beautiful women have that shape. 

Here are 10 famous people with the same body shape as you:

1. Cindy Crawford
2. Renee Zellweger
3. Teri Hatcher
4. Naomi Campbell
5. Demi Moore
6. Lucy Liu
7. Kelly Clarkson
8. Dolly Parton
9. Pamela Anderson
10. Catherine Zeta-Jones

Here is a very good visual-based article about what to wear with an inverted silhouette.

Tips & Tricks to Minimizing Broad Shoulders for Women - Paris Ciel (EN)


Here is a short video of dressing options with an inverted triangle shape.

Sunday December 27, 2015 - Savannah

Yesterday, four good friends were to  meet in Savannah for a day a of reminiscing about a life 40 years ago. Three of us live in the south (Atlanta and Fayetteville, NC), so we get together every once in awhile. But the forth guy still lives in New Jersey and we do not see him often.

Our friend from N.C.could not make it at the last minute.

So it was just the three of us.

I mentioned in yesterday's post and I was thinking about telling them about me being a woman and that I was going to be expressing my true self. I did not think they would be against it nor did I think there would be any negative reaction to it. I just did not want it to take away and dominate this meeting.

Well, I ended up not saying anything, but I was amazed at how the issue came up three times. Each time, it came me the opportunity to discuss it but I guess I was still scared. It was like someone kept setting up the moment for me and each time I declined.

The first time, my friend from Atlanta (I will call him John) and I were talking about our children. We each have three girls that are about the same age. He stated that he thought one of the girls may be part of an "alternative lifestyle". I told him that one of my daughter mentioned it last year.

The second time, as we all sat around the dining room table, our New Jersey friend (I will call him Joe) talked about his Amazon job. He was having problems with a female supervisor who was very masculine in appearance and action and was married to another female employee at Amazon. The supervisor's wife was very attractive and they just had a child. This friend, is the youngest of the group by 6 months and is just turning 59. He is a fitness guy, just like me. He use to be a fitness coach and is in great shape with no grey hair. So we teased him that his supervisor felt threatened by his good looks and that her wife might have said something. Joe stated that the wife was a lesbian and we fired back that maybe she is bisexual. We use to always tease Joe about his good looks rugged appearance. He played high school football and looks like he still could. So yesterday was no different and we just laughed about it and moved on.

But he is upset about the Amazon warehouse work rules and conditions. John is a medical doctor who works in the area of compliance and reports to the FDA and OSHA, so he said he would look into it for Joe.

The third time, we decided to go to Downtown Savannah to eat along the Riverwalk. I had to park 2 blocks west of the river. We parked and walked toward the river. On the way, we passed an old theater that had a line of customers. The Danish Girl was playing. Joe stated that he saw the extended coming attraction for this movie and felt that the problem was that the wife let him touch and hug that dress. John stated that he had seen or read much about it, but if its like Caitlyn Jenner, it was a non-issue but he was not interested in the movie. This was a perfect time for me to bring my transgenderism up, but I let that moment go.

In all three cases, LGBT issues come up and no negative words or derogatory statements were made. I felt really good about it and it confirmed my thoughts that once I do say something, I will still remain part of the group. These guys are very important to me because its a strong link to a very special and fun part of my life.

I have decided to discuss the issue when we get back together this summer.

BTW, we figured John and Joe had not seen each other in 42 years. Darn, time flies when you are having fun.

Saturday December 26, 2015 - Special day with my friends.

I had a very nice Christmas day. It was very warm outside (75+), so it did not feel like Christmas. I had eleven people over for dinner with two of my older children cooking dinner. Wow, they did a very good job of cooking. The food was good. Again I ate too much, but it was worth it.  So its back in the gym for me.
We use to spend time after dinner playing cards and board games.

Now we spend time looking at youtube videos.


I mentioned that my youngest daughter is a TV reporter. Her college roommate is also a reporter and during only her second live interview, something so unique happened that it went viral. Even Saturday Night Live did a skit on it.

The reporter called my daughter right after this happened and thought it was a disaster. But the opposite happened and the report was offered a job at a larger TV market within two months.

---

Today, I am driving to Savannah (4 hrs one way) to hangout with three of my friends from my days in New Jersey. We all grew up together but have lived in separate towns since High School. There were five of us, however one died in 1993.

This will be the first time all four of us have been together in 40+ years. Our friend who is still in New Jersey, married a lady from Savannah. He has accompanied her to Savannah for the Christmas Holidays.

Two of us live in Atlanta and the third one lives in North Carolina. So we will all meet in Savannah and hangout about 5 to 6 hours before we return home.

I hope we can make this an annual event. I have been thinking if I should bring up my awakening (transition) during out meeting.

Pro:
1) I have told my family and these guys would be the closest set of friends whom are next on the list.
2) I do not think there would be a negative reaction

Con:
1) Being selfish - we have so much to talk about between family and work over the past 40+ years, so  will   my issue overshadow the event
2) Hopefully this will be an annual event, so next year after 6 months of HRT, I can tell them.
3) I can tell them in 2016, one-on-one, then come out in the meeting of 2016

I will let you know tomorrow.

---

Friday December 25, 2015 - Merry Christmas

Thursday December 24, 2015 - All I want for Christmas

I remember wanting to ask Santa for a pair of Black Pumps to go with this old dress, my sister discarded. In middle school, I use to take my sister's old clothes and make them my own. But my feet were two big for her shoes.

All I wanted for Christmas was a pair of black pumps to go that dress.

Wednesday December 23, 2015 - Shopping

Are you and your friends getting all of your shopping done?

Tuesday December 22, 2015 - A Winter Christmas Outfit

I love Christmas time when women get to express their holiday cheer through their clothes. They have hats, sweaters, skirts and pants with Christmas themes. Of course jewelry and other nick nacks.

I was thinking about winter outfits with a holiday theme. Below is my grey and white outfit with a holiday cheer thru colorful jewelry. I love this outfit with the cute furry high heel boots. I added skinny jeans instead of tights.

Winter White by susank56 featuring red home accessories

This is definitely a Susan outfit. But if I add a Christmas hat and furry white boots without a heel, I would wear this outfit as a Femboy.

Monday December 21, 2015 - Getting ready for Christmas

I enjoy the family time around Christmas. One of the best events is the family Christmas dinner. My paternal Grandmother was from Texas and made the best food from scratch. When I was young, I looked forward to the meal and especially the pies.

Now at almost 60, the meme below expresses how I feel about those pies. I plan on eating about 6 slices over the weekend, so.......

I am planning on six hours of cardio before Friday. Wish me luck! LOL

Sunday December 20, 2015 - Do not let a few ignorant people stop you.

I continue to say that society is changing. I can tell from personal experience. In the 1990's, I had people call me out in public while dressed. I remember talking with other "crossdressers" during that time who stated that teenage girls were the worse. Once a friend and I went mall shopping and were called out by agroup of teenage girls.

Over the past year, none of that has happened. Teenage girls, along with others are much more supportive. More men ignore men and women make eye contact and smile or say hello. Its a complete reversal from 20 years ago.

I am seeing more and more examples of society coming to our aid.

In December, Jazz Jennings was asked to read from her book, I am Jazz. It was sponsored by a local WI school board.

Watch what happened.





The reading was rescheduled and read what happened next.


Heartwarming Story of the Day: Outpouring of Support for Transgender Youth in Wisconsin Town | Human Rights Campaign


This is a heartwarming story that supports the idea that society is changing and moving in our direction. A few bigoted people could stop a large part of the community from supporting and learning about transgender issues. Imagine the transgender youth who were at that reading and may have not come out yet.

I think about my parents (my Dad was a school board member) taking my sister and I to the reading. Would that experience given me the confidence to tell my parents? Would they have supported me instead of taking me to a mental health professional who tried to hypnotize me into stopping?

I will never know. But we know, more and more youth are coming out at an earlier age. That is a good thing.

When possible, we old timers need to venture out and educate the community and support the youth.

Saturday December 19, 2015 - I forgot my one year anniversary.

Friday was my one year anniversary of blogging every day. I started the blog on April 8, 2014. However, on December 18, 2014, I began to post everyday.

This was hard on me because I am not a good writer. But I am trying my best to improve.I have always been a numbers girl.

Posting everyday can be stressful because sometime I do not have much to say. I also try to add pictures and video to highlight information. I have also tried various third party sites (Pinterest and Polyvore). Some worked and some (Etsy) did not. Some days I have much to say and I can create a weeks worth of posts.

I felt it was important to document my personal story.

I created 387 posts over the last 365 days. Not bad with 22 days of two posts a day.

I tried to create followers by exchanging favorite blog links with other blogs I follow. I would like to thank those bloggers that participated in the exchange.

I joined reddit and posted links to my post. I learned to create large daily pageviews. My highest one day total was 2,425 pageviews. However, I realized that most of those visitors did not stay and follow me.

So I went back to creating viewers and followers by word of mouth and commenting on other posts and articles.

Since this summer, I moved away from pageview count and back to my original reason for this blog, which is to document my journey of understanding who I am.


Overall, this is fun and very therapeutic. I have learned a lot about myself and look forward to the next 12 months.

I have much on my plate for 2016,

1. Getting my finances together
2. Makeup
3. Voice
4. HRT
5. Telling friends (will be hardest part)
6. Finishing beard removal

It is a lot and I can not wait.

Saturday December 19, 2015 - Important Random thoughts.- I have always been female.

November and December are critical months for my weight. I usually start in late October by adding to my exercise routine so I can eat all I want on Thanksgiving and Christmas. This year, I have been doing well on the exercise side, but my eating habits are out of control. I started my poor eating after Thanksgiving and my Mother's repass did not help.

I ate more cake and pie, mac and cheese and meat than I normally would. The exercising is keeping my weight down. But its the portion control, I have lost.

I noticed that I have no problems with eating while in Femboy or Susan mode. Its just when in boy mode, I have this nervous eating.and I am constantly eating. Yesterday when I was out to get my pedicure, I was not hungry. But as soon as I got into boy mode, I could not stop eating.

I stated in a previous post that I am ready to transition now. But I have realized that transition is not the correct word. I have always been a girl crossdressing as a boy. I need to change my language. But I am not sure how. Let me see if I can explain.

To me transition always meant moving from boy to girl. But now I know I have always been a girl. I just kept her is jail. I have let her out and now I realized she is me.

I am so sorry I did that to myself. The boy is the facade and needs to be put away. Its taking off the mask. Its becoming that beautiful butterfly.

Once I passed a certain mental state of comfort about my female presentation, I realized that I found myself. I was always the girl/woman who was living as a man because of my biology and society. I was not strong enough to fight society in the early 1970's. Especially with what I saw my cousin go through.

I am so natural as a woman, that crossdressing as a boy is now bothering me. I do not want to do it and its causing me to eat as a way to comfort myself.

I never wanted a belly ring until late this summer and now I am looking at a butterfly tattoo that will represent my changed state into the beautiful woman I am. I am that woman that wants the ring and a tattoo.

Months ago, I stated in a post that I can smell things (like men with bad odors) that I never smelled before. I connect with women in public more than men.

When I exercise, I sometimes catch me looking over at me. It's reaffirming.

The meeting on Thursday, I connected to the woman as possible associates and not sex objects. I noticed one of the men at the meeting as a type I would date. It was not a sexual impulse but a realization of the type I like.

Its as though I have been on HRT and my mind and body are reaching normalcy. I am embracing my natural state.

So I am not transitioning into a woman, I am and always have been a woman.

Friday December 18, 2015 - Going out for awhile.

I just needed to get out today. So I am going to get a pedicure today and probably complete some Christmas shopping.

I spend a little feminine time yesterday, after being out in boy mode all day and into the evening. But I decided to get a pedicure at my favorite spa, rather than doing it myself.

I am wearing a cap sleeve sweater and black leggings. My theme color is based off of brown and black. I have on a brown cap with brown and black jewelry.

I do not feel like wearing flats, So I am wearing a brown/black/cream wedge from Payless shoes. I hope they treat my feet better than the open toe shoes from Orlando.

It rained the last few days and it's finally getting cold. So I am wearing my brown coat that I bought last winter in New

Jersey. Its feels so soft and warm. I like the cut and length of the coat. It matches my top and the necklines fit well together.

I have not been out as much as I would like because of boy commitments. With the holidays, it will mean getting out less. However, I may have to travel some next week, before Christmas. If so, I will spend my whole travel time as Susan.

It's getting tougher for me to dress is boy mode. I can really feel the difference.

I thought this might happen. In the past I put my femininity back in the closet because it just races out. This time  I am trying to control it and come out in a more orderly fashion. But its getting tougher.


Financial commitments are holding me back. I did not plan this well. I did not think, 20 years ago, I would transition. I thought about it but I gave up.

I am committed to solving this issue in 2016. The mental and physical changes from HRT will force me out by late 2016 or early 2017. So I have about 12 months to get this financial situation solved.

A few more picture I took before I leave.

Thursday December 17, 2015 - Meeting all day.

I said in my previous post, that I had meetings all day. But I did not expect them to last as long as they did. I left home at 9:30 am and did not return until 7:30 pm.

In Atlanta, traffic had a lot to do with it.

Anyway, at my first meeting, there were five males and two females. Really, four males, three females, I was just acting and dressing like a male (lol).

The picture on the left is one of the two women wearing female clothing. She made it hard for me because I felt like her but could not express it, like she did. It activated my dysphoria and I critiqued her outfit and though about how I would improve it. I liked her makeup and her hair was ok.

But her skirt was too short for the couch. I am sure she figured we would be sitting on a chair around a desk. But we moved to a lounge area and her skirt showed too much thigh. She could not a cross her legs because that would raise her skirt higher. So she closed her legs at the knees and angled out her lower legs which spread her feet. It was kind of awkward but worked. I would have closed my legs at the knees and angle both legs in one direction with my ankles crossed.

I am not saying her sitting solution was worse than or better than mine. Its just different. But I felt so jealous of her. She looked really nice.

Tonight, I am going to the gym. Afterward, I am going to take some feminine time.

My Sitting solution                                                                                            

Her sitting solution

Thursday December 17, 2015 - Some feminine time is a must!

Today, I have a busy boy mode day. I have two important public meetings.

But this later, after work, I am going to spend some time practicing my makeup, shaving my legs, giving myself a manicure and completing a lemon facial.

I find that carving out some feminine time helps when I have a busy boy mode day. But I need a way to satisfy my female self.

How do you satisfy your inner self when you must be in boy mode?

Wednesday December 16, 2015 - Just a girl

I like this infographic and what it is saying. After this past year, I finally get it.

I spent too many decades hiding, denying, praying for, praying against and trying everything to deny my femininity.

Then recently, I realized, I am just like most girls who grew up too fat, too skinny, the nose is too big, too tall, too short, too light, too dark, too flat chested, too busty.....etc. 

Girls, like guys are teased growing up for being different. I remember not liking to tease people because deep down I would not like being teased for wearing girl's clothes. I kept it hidden so I would not be teased or worse.

However, most girls learn to accept and even highlight their differences (uniqueness) or solve it through change (physical and/or mental).

As an adult you see people out of the "norm" but its not middle school anymore and you move on. I might see a woman that is "too tall". I might wonder if she plays basketball but I do not go up too her and ask how is the air up there. I just move on.

I may see a woman that is too fat. I think to myself that she is unhealthy but I do not go up to her and call her fat or worse. I just move on.

I see guy with pants around there thighs. I just look and say I do not like that look and move on. I do not stop and challenge them or recommend they pull up their pants. I just move on.

I realized that I happen to be a girl that is too much male. So I am changing it both physically and mentally. But no one stops and tells me to take off those clothes or call me names. They may just look and move on.

Over the past year, I can not remember one negative interaction. However, I have had many positive interactions. 

I believe the public is accepting girls with too much male. Just like girls that are too skinny, too fat, too tall, too short........ 

Tuesday December 15, 2015 - Winter may show up

I can not believe how warm it is. It does not feel like a few days until Christmas. I need to get some decorations up.

Growing up in NJ, you associate cold with Christmas. I remember my mother demanding (lol) a fire at night and the hot chocolate. At 60+ degrees, it feels like spring or fall.

We use to take the train, the day after Christmas to West Palm Beach, Florida for a "second" Christmas day with my maternal grandparents. It was hot and we use to go to the beach. I would tell my parents that this was just not Christmas. It feels like that this Christmas in Atlanta.

Today, I was thinking about my winter wardrobe. I need to learn how to add sweaters to my winter dresses. It can be a nice look, if done right. I do not like those outfits with a skinny belt.

I do not like this

I like this look

Below is my Pinterest board of winter dresses

Follow Susan King's board Winter Dresses on Pinterest.