Saturday, February 20, 2016

Saturday February 20, 2016 - I discovered my big transition issue

Friday, I went to one of my best friends mother's 90th birthday party. During the party I realized my main transition issue. Let me give you a little background.

Growing up in the late 1950's and 1960's, my parents had a group of friends that included 5 other couples. They were around the same age highly educated (All six men were medical or scientific doctors) with children. We all meet before kindergarten. The birthday girl (used as a term of endearment) was one of the 12 adults and is only one of 4 who remain.

The party last night brought together some of those children (now in out 50's and 60's) to celebrate. While sitting around the table, I thought how nice it was to come together for a birthday instead of a funeral.

It occurred to me, how will my transition will affect one of the next gatherings.

All put one of our group are guys. Out of the children I am in contact with, my sister is the only other woman in the group. My sister could not make it because of last minute plane ticket prices out of Orlando.

For example, when we took a group shot around the birthday girl, we had the only female in our group sit next to the celebrant and we guys stood up around her. How would my presenting as a female impact that picture. Would they want me to stand or sit on the other side of celebrant?

How would my presentation impact some of our guy stories. Those stories are still true but would everyone still feel at easy telling them? A few of our friends have passed, would they consider my male person as passing?

I think the problem is with me. I have found during this phase of Susan's growth that most of the problems and fear has been within me. I needed to cut my mental chains.

This fear of  how this group will be impacted by my change, is my biggest issue. This is the group I need to come out to next. Its that next circle beyond my family. Its not a fear of rejection. Its a fear of how it changes the group dynamics.

One of the main reasons I right this blog is it helps me sort out these questions. Which then helps me find the solution.

BTW, some of our children were there. They are in their 20's. I notice one guy, in his 20's was hanging around this young girl all night. You would assume they were siblings, a couple or friends. I believe they were friends of one of the celebrant's grandchildren. I noticed the guy was thin maybe 5' 9" or 5' 10". He had on an all black out with red lipstick. He was wearing those new tight male pants with clogs. It did not appear to be a goth look.

I wondered if  the lipstick was a trans signal. I was too busy with my friend and party guests my age  to inquire. If it was a trans signal, I was going to tell him I was a transwoman and give him support. I did not know how to approach him and they left early.

I need to make that contact more of a priority. I consider that an important outreach and it bothers me I missed that opportunity.

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